


The Tweek Tucker Project

by UmbrielBrechen



Category: South Park
Genre: Anal Sex, Apocalypse, Awkwardness, Evil Organizations, F/M, Gun Violence, M/M, Monsters, Mutated Mutants, New Kid! Tweek, Oral Sex, Saving the World, This is Now a Musical, Weapon Training, warfare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-03-11 14:26:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13526196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmbrielBrechen/pseuds/UmbrielBrechen
Summary: They left the day the world went to hell, but nothing ever changes for the better. Do you want to know the real truth behind the small town of South Park? We all did, but it was just a matter of time before we all died again.They say curiosity killed the cat, but it just made us smarter.…Craig Tucker, school “bad boy space nerd” woke up to a normal, average day, just the way he liked it. Same old shit, same old assholes, same time of day to get in trouble. But when a mysterious twitching blonde boy moves into South Park, strange things start happening: A prophecy that needs to be fulfilled, an evil organization that needs to be fought, and potential asses to save… Yup, an average day in the life of Tweek Tweak.





	1. The Stripe Project

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! UmbrielBrechen here with a new story! Ok byeeeeeee!
> 
> -XOXO Gossip U.B

So this is it. The third strike of the semester. I’m a punch and nose bleed away from getting expelled. Except that’s the thing, they can’t. 

 

I’m a science nerd that got a crap ton of scholarships to universities in California, New York, Colorado, Washington, and Texas. I know how the most complex machines and algorithms work. You need me to work with chemicals and radioactive material? I’ve got experience with that, I’ve been inside Government level laboratories and worked with real scientists. Geography? Sure, I can manage. 

Anything with outer space? Sign me the fuck up. 

 

I can talk about math. I can talk about anything academics. I can taunt anyone and intimidate every living thing around me. I’m more than six feet tall and pretty damn muscular. Need me to knock someone out? I’ll do it. Need me to threaten someone? Sure. I scare the fucking daylight with my bitch face. 

 

I’m a monster.

 

But if you need me to talk about my emotions? Talk about my feelings? Anything personal?

Fuck off. 

 

They ignored my third offense, but in reality this is my fifteenth. They want me to talk to a psychologist, a therapist, get a support dog, anything. They just want me to get better because my life has value. 

 

They don’t actually care about me. 

 

Who does?

 

My little sister Tricia. My parents to an extent. Clyde, Jimmy, and Token? They always have my back. That’s it. Anyone else? Nope. I used to have a guinea pig. Actually, Guinea Pigs. All of them named Stripe. All of them died, Guinea Pigs don’t live long. 

 

I’m at the animal shelter today. The school wants me to get a support animal. I don’t like dogs. I hate dogs with a fucking passion. I want a cat, I feel like it’ll match my personality. 

 

“CRAIG!!!” Fuck. Footsteps stomp in rapid motion behind me. I hope it isn’t someone I hate. 

 

It’s Clyde, Token, and Jimmy. Good. I like them. 

 

Clyde’s always smiling some stupid grin. He’s dumb happy. It’s cute. I wouldn’t say that to Token though, he’d kick my ass. 

Token’s great. He’s nice, he’s the voice of reason in our group. He’s wrapped around Clyde’s finger, even though Clyde doesn’t even know that. 

Jimmy’s awesome. He’s the comedic relief of the group. Not because he’s handicapped, but he’s genuinely funny. I don’t say that to him though, it’ll get to his head and he’ll never shut up. 

 

“What the hell are you assholes doing here?” Clyde catches himself by his knees and gasps for air. Dumbass got too excited. He looks up at me with a stupid smile, and Jimmy and Token follow suit. 

 

“We’re here to support you!”

 

“I don’t need help in choosing an animal. I know what I’m getting.”

 

“Craig!” Clyde glares at me with his stupid child eyes. “Yes you do. And you’re not allowed to get a black cat.”

 

“Fuck you.” Damn it, that’s what I was gonna get. “I’ll get whatever I want.”

 

“And l- l- let you get fifty years b- b- b- bad luck? Fuck off.” Token rolls his eyes in exasperation.

 

“I’m sorry Craig, I tried to stop them.” 

 

“It’s ok Token.” They aren’t leaving anytime soon. They’re too stubborn like that. But I guess that’s a good thing. My phone vibrates, and I take it out to see who texted me. 

 

It’s Tricia. Clyde grabs my phone to see who texted me. 

 

“Is this your boyfriend?”

 

“Fuck you, it’s my sister.” 

 

“When are you getting a boyfriend?”

 

“Never. I’ll stay single forever.” 

 

“You’ve never had a boyfriend before though. Are you asexual Craig? Have you ever had an erection before?”

 

“Nope. I just masturbate when I’m soft.” I think I might be asexual, but I might not be. 

 

“Sarcastic asshole. Whatever. Tricia said that you aren’t allowed to get a black cat,” Dammit Tricia. “She also said that you need color in your life, so she stuck a giant rainbow flag in your room. And she’s naming your adopted kids. And she’s stealing your husband.” Fucking Tricia. 

 

“Fine, I won’t get a black cat.” I’m ditching them in the shelter and finding one. And Tricia’s not naming my kids because I’m never having them. I’m having a family of cats and guinea pigs. Jimmy shakes his head at me.

 

“I d- d- don’t believe you.”

 

“Fine, you guys can stalk me in the shelter as I find a cat.” 

 

They agree with me and we walk inside. The front desk is managed by a girl who ignores us to talk on her phone. We walk past her and go straight to the cats. It’s stuffy inside with horrible conditions. It’s probably underfunded like every facility in South Park. Well, every facility that isn’t in the gentrified area. 

 

“Hey guys, look at that cat over there, it has two tails.” 

 

Clyde squeals in excitement and forces Jimmy and Token to go look at the lie. I walk the opposite direction and walk straight to the black cat section. 

 

Black cat. 

 

Black cat.

 

They don’t have any black cats. Goddamnit. 

 

“CRAIG!!!” Clyde yells. Damnit. I follow Clyde’s voice and prepare myself for the worst. Clyde squeals in excitement and Token holds him back from falling. Jimmy rolls his eyes and scratches his hair. 

 

Oh my gosh. It’s a black and white cat with two tails. It’s fur look so soft. It looks like such a bitch. Oh my gosh. It has a giant black stripe that starts at it’s tail and ends at it’s head. Oh my gosh. It’s the Cat version of Stripe with two tails. I have to get it. It’s mine. I’m sooooooooo excited. 

 

“Damn Craig, so much emotions.” Token teases me with a weak jab to my abdomen. I glare at him, but he’s right. This is so much emotion for me, I don’t know what to do. 

 

I walk out of the shelter with the cat in my hand. I don’t pay anything, the front desk just told me to leave so she can have a stoner party in the shelter.

 

I got a free cat with free cat supplies. It has two tails. Oh my gosh. 

 

Tricia’s gonna be so happy. 

 

My mom’s always wanted a cat.

 

My dad loves animals.

 

I can get it certified as a support animal.

 

I have a cat with two tails.

 

I have a cat with a giant stripe.

 

Clyde, Token and Jimmy is so happy. I’m so happy, I actually smile. Stripe #1 Cat Version is now in my life. 


	2. The Infiltration Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's the new kid in South Park?

There’s some things you should know about me. I was born in New Jersey, so don’t judge me on my accent. My blonde hair is naturally wild and crazy, I don’t put an excess amount of gell, I don’t shock myself with electricity to achieve this volume. I have natural bed head, so don’t fucking judge me. 

 

Second, I’m just like the rest of humanity… 

 

“Ahh… AHH! Fuck suck harder!”

 

I have a sex drive… 

 

“FUCK!!!”

 

… Blowjobs are my specialty… 

 

“AHH FUCK I’M GONNA CUM!!!”

 

… And cum is my favorite flavor. And there is one more thing… 

 

“Ahh fuck, slurp it all up you slut- Why are you pointing a gun at me?”

 

“I would be careful what I’d say next if I were you Professor Watson. My teeth are also dangerously close to your dick. It would be a shame if you couldn’t screw twinks anymore if I don’t know… I chopped off this big… Juicy… Cum filled fucker with my sharp ass teeth.” He instantly grew harder with my words. His face is so red, it’s amusing. “It would also be a shame if a bullet just  _ penetrated  _ your heart.” 

 

“Fuck! You’re with the FBI!”

 

“Nope.”

 

“CIA?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Who are you then?”

 

“The guy with your dick close to their teeth who is also pointing a gun at you.”

 

“Fuck! What the hell do you want from me?!” I reach over to his nipples with my left hand and pinch them… Extremely hard. “Ahh!”

 

“Well, you’ll never know who I work for. You won’t even remember what happened tonight… If you tell me what I need. All I’m asking is for the location of the anomalies in the United States.”

 

“HNGH Fuck you!” He reaches over for a gun, but I fire a warning shot at a vase and grip his balls. “Woah FUCK! Why do you think I know this crap!?”

 

“I have the evidence to not only bring down your private practice in Malibu, but I also know you lead a team of researchers to study anomalies and supernatural occurrences. I also know that somewhere in the United States there’s something about to happen… Something that needs to be stopped.”

 

“And if I don’t tell you?”

 

“I’ll give you the last orgasm of your life.” 

 

“Fuck… HNGHHH!” The secret to a good blowjob, make sure to squeeze the testicles while probing the slit. I could go for some coffee… I should head to San Francisco or Seattle soon. 

 

“SOUTH PARK! SOUTH PARK, COLORADO GOD DAMMIT LET ME CUM!!!” I give one last suck as I pump his dick and work his balls. He explodes all over my face and mouth… Nice. 

 

South Park, Colorado, here I come. 

 

… 

 

… 

 

… 

 

_ Park High School, Colorado _

_ 665 Stray Drive  _

_ Tweek Tweak _

_ STUDENT ID: 1832160 _

_ February 2018, Junior  _

 

_ Somewhere in the Middle of Colorado…  _

 

“AHH!!! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!” I scream at the bus stop. These four guys stare at me like I’m insane. That’s good. I’m a pretty good actor. 

 

Who am I exactly? Tweek. That’s my name. Last name? It’s not important. Job? Would you believe me if I said secret agent? I mean that last scene was pretty convincing huh? It is, that’s because it’s true. Who do I work for? Maybe an organization. Maybe I’m a hit man. Maybe I fly solo. I don’t know if I can trust you yet, so just sit back and enjoy the story knowing you have little to no context. 

 

One of them is pretty big. Both tall and fat. The other one is particularly more handsome than the others, he looks like a high fashion model. The third one is pretty short, with curly red hair. The other one looks like a stereotypical high school jock. 

 

“Who the fuck are you?” The fat one says.

 

“Ahh! Why do you want to know!?” The curly haired one jumps in surprise. 

 

“Geez, chill the fuck out dude.” 

 

“Yeah dude, we’re not terrible people.” The jock says. The silent handsome guy in the orange parka just stays silent, clearly amused by everything that’s happening. 

 

“AHH!!! IDON’TKNOWYOU!”

 

“Well I’m Eric, Kahl the terrible Jew is the shorty-”

 

“Damn it Cartman stop making fun of me!!!”

 

“Sorry Kahl, but I don’t tell lies, I’m not a sinner.”

 

“You are full of bullshit!”

 

“The only thing that I’m full of is the truth.” The black haired guy rolls his eyes in exasperation and clears his throat.

 

“I’m Stan, and this is Kenny.”

 

“‘Sup.” Parka guy says. I stare at the four of them in disbelief, how dysfunctional is their relationship?

 

“So uhh… You’re Eric or Cartman?”

 

“I’m Eric.”

 

“But everyone calls him by his last name because he’s an asshole.” 

 

“The only reason why they think I’m an asshole is that they are perceiving me as an asshole.”

 

“Shut up Cartman.” 

 

“And you’re Kahl?”

 

“Ugh, no, it’s Kyle, not fucking  _ Kahl. _ ” He’s like my height, so strange. I look up at the Black haired guy. He looks like the type of person that would fuck me and then I’d slit their throat because they’re my target for the day.

 

“Stanley, but it’s just Stan, and parka guy is Kenny. Are you new to South Park?”

 

“Yeah… My parents moved from Denver last week.” Stan and Kyle look at each other in confusion. Fuck, now I have to expand the lie. Stan scratches his head and looks at me with a puzzled expression. 

 

“Uhh… I didn’t know South Park had new houses up for sale. Unless you live in the new apartments.”

 

“Yeah, I live there.” Heh, perfect, “Anyways, how’s the school like? Is it terrible like I’ve been hearing?” 

 

“Of course it’s terrible.” Kyle says, “it’s public schooling, what would anyone expect? 

 

“Kahl you’re just being inconsiderate about all those other kids in the world that don’t have access to schooling.” 

 

“Fuck off!!!” As Kyle and Cartman continue to bicker on, I turn my head the other way. Fuck, maybe I can hightail my ass out of here before they even figure out. I hear someone behind me clear their throat, obviously to get everyone’s intention.

 

“Hey guys,” Kenny says, “have you seen Butters at all this week?” What the hell? Who names their kid Butters? Then again, who names their kid Tweek?

 

“You guys have a friend named Butters?”

 

“Er, Leo, Leopold. But we all call him Butters because his last name is Stotch. Get it? Butters Stotch? Butterscotch? Funny right? I made it up when we were all kids.” He says proudly. Kenny looks at me in the eyes, and I swear to god, I think he winked at me. “Anyways, have you guys seen him?” 

 

“No one knows what happened to your little boyfriend Kinny.”

 

“Fuck off you fat piece of lard, he’s not my boyfriend!!!” Woah that escalated quickly. I NEED TO RUN AWAY BEFORE I GET CAUGHT UP IN THE DRAMA AHHH!!!

 

… 

 

Looks like I established my identity as a student here. I’ll start working when I get comfortable with my surroundings. Apparently, even though this school is literally in the middle of nowhere, there’s drama everywhere. 

 

Apparently this girl, Wendy Testaburger who’s really fucking smart fucked Stan but found out that he’s gay and broke up with him so that he can be happy and then supposedly got with Cartman (ew).

 

And then Kenny is supposedly a guy who fucks everything with a hole, but he somehow has feelings for the least sexual person in this school. 

 

And then this guy, Craig Fucker or whatever, he brings an emotional support Cat or something because he beat Stan up or something. Stan’s like six feet tall and really fucking muscular, this Craig guy must have the strength of a fucking grizzly bear! Oh Jesus! I should avoid him at all costs. 

 

I’m here to look into some strange shit going down here. It’s sort of like that one cartoon, Gravity Falls, except this shit’s real. From the research I’ve done, this cataclysm could lead to a mass extinction of everything on Earth… Or it could be nothing. But it’s worth looking into. I’ve taken down two human trafficking rings and brought down a corporation that slipped abortion pills in coffee chains during this mission, so I’d say it wasn’t a waste of my time. 

 

I never went to a traditional public school longer than a year. Sure, I’ve attended classes to blend in with the crowd and shit, but never for as long as I’m going to have to here. I’ve been everywhere, but mostly metropolitan areas. Los Angeles, California. San Jose, California. Chicago, Illinois. New York City. Austin, Texas. Seattle, Washington. Thank god I’m stationed in liberal areas. I’ve never been to Colorado though. South Park seems extremely gentrified, and the only reason why people here are so liberal because they think it’s some popular trend or something. I don’t even think there’s a gay couple in South Park. Agh, why here?

 

All I have to do is solve the case and get the fuck out. Don’t make friends, don’t make enemies, maybe have sex once or ten times, then save the world (again) and chill out in a cafe in Seattle. And I need to hide my accent. I’ll just sound insane. 

 

Yup, just a day in the life of Tweek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate it? Like it? Review it!


	3. The Craig and Those Guys Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tricia makes Craig buy cat supplies. The gang follows along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LEHLEHLEH!!!

School ended pretty early, something about a gas leak in a nearby building that reached the school. I don’t even know if that’s possible, but I didn’t care. 

 

I went straight to my room from school. Homework was finished in class, and I somehow became the center of attention with almost all the girls in school. 

 

It’s a shame I don’t like tits. 

 

So I decide to cuddle with Stripe in bed, now that Stripe is actually big enough to cuddle with. 

 

“Hey Stripe. How did you like school today?”

 

“ _ HISS!” _

 

“Me too, I don’t like people either. The scientists at the lab are ok, only because they have a brain. What’s your favorite color stripe?”

 

“Meow~!”

 

“Me too, I like Blue and Purple also. What do you think of my friends?”

 

“Purrrrr.”

 

“Yeah, they’re pretty awesome. Don’t tell them that though, or it would get to their head. Do you think Token’s ever gonna tell Clyde his feelings?”

 

“Meow!”

 

“Maybe one day. Are you hungry Stripe? I don’t really trust the food from the shelter, so we can drive over to the nearest pet store to get you food. Do you want that Stripe?”

 

“Meow! Meow!” 

 

“Alright, you can stay in here for the meantime.” I get out of bed with Stripe in my arms. He’s soooooooo cute. I just want to hold him, and cradle him and take him everywhere I go.

 

“Craig!!!” Goddamnit. I glance over to my door, and see Tricia with her arms crossed, tapping her shoe on the floor impatiently. “It’s my turn to play with Stripe.”

 

“What? No, fuck you, he’s MINE.”

 

“Ok well, I seem to recall a bet we made ten years ago where I get to have my own playtime with whatever version of Stripe you have and I get to actively flirt with whatever boyfriend you have to make them extremely uncomfortable.”

 

“Fuck you, that was ten years ago.” 

 

“And ten years later, here we are. Give me Stripe Craig.”

 

“No! He’s mine!” 

 

“Craig…” Tricia slowly enters my room with a smile on her face. I take a step back with Stripe on my shoulder. “Give me Stripe… You have to get good food for him and not some weird cat food with radiation inside…” Stripe pounces off my shoulder and lands in Tricia’s arms. Damnit. “Yay! Let’s talk shit about EVERYONE Stripe!”

 

“Fuck you. Take care of Stripe.”

 

“I will!”

 

“Make sure he doesn’t run away!”

 

“He won’t!”

 

“Brush him!”

 

“Yup!”

 

“Love him!”

 

“Craig go away!”

 

“Fine.”

 

Damn, I don’t want to walk through the pet store alone though. Hmm… 

 

**Craig + Those Guys**

 

**Craig: Guys.**

 

**Jimmy: What?**

 

**Craig: Go with me to the pet store.**

 

**Jimmy: Wow, you’re actually making an effort to include people in your life.**

 

**Craig: Fuck off.**

 

**Token: I’ll pick everyone up. Clyde get ready soon.**

 

**Clyde: Wait what’s going on?**

 

**Craig: We’re going to the pet store.**

 

**Clyde: YAY!!! We’re having an adventure!**

 

**Craig: No, this isn’t an adventure. It’s just one straight trip to the pet store and then back home.**

 

**Clyde: Nope. We’re gonna get ice cream and doughnuts and do fun shit.**

 

**Token: No, we aren’t getting ice cream or doughnuts.**

 

**Clyde: Awwww why not?**

 

**Jimmy: Because you’ll get fat again.**

 

**Clyde: I**

 

**Clyde: WAS NEVER FAT TO BEGIN WITH!!!**

 

**Token: We can still go on an adventure though, that sounds fun.**

 

**Craig: No it doesn’t.**

 

**Jimmy: You can’t have control over your life all the time Craig.**

 

**Craig: Fuck you guys.**

 

Goddamnit. I hate surprises. 

 

Token picks me up at my house fifteen minutes later with Jimmy and Clyde already in the car. 

 

“CRAIG!!!”

 

“What? Stop fucking yelling Clyde.”

 

“Guess what song is coming up next?” 

 

“No.”

 

_ *Intro to Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call My Maybe*  _

 

“Clyde!”

“Clyde!”

“Clyde!”

 

“Fine, fine.”

 

_ *Intro to One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful* _

 

“Clyde!”

“Clyde!”

“Clyde!”

 

“Guys come on, sing with me!”

 

“No!”

“No!”

“No!”

 

“Guys! It’ll make me happy~! Just look up the lyrics on your phone!” Token looks at me in the rear mirror and nods his head. Fuck. 

 

“Fine.” Jimmy shakes his head at me in disappointment and sighs deeply.

 

Craig: You’re insecure-

 

“Actually sing Craig!”

 

“Fine!” Asshole. 

 

Craig: You’re insecure. Don’t know what for. You’re turning heads when you want through the do-o-or. Don’t need make-up, to cover up. Being the way that you are is enou-o-ough.

 

Clyde: EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM CAN SEE IT! EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU-OU!!!

 

Everyone: Baby you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed. But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell.

 

Clyde: YOU DON’T KNOW, OH OH! YOU DON’T KNOW YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!!!

 

Jimmy: I- i- If only you saw what I can see.

 

Token: You’ll understand why I want you so desperately. 

 

Jimmy: Right n- n- n-ow I’m looking at you and I ca- ca- ca- can’t believe.

 

Token: You don’t know, oh oh.

 

Everyone: You don’t know you’re beautiful, oh oh.

 

Clyde: THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL! 

 

Token: So c- c- come on. You got it wrong. To prove I’m right, I put it in a so- o- ong. I don’t know why, you’re being shy. And turn away when I look into your eye- eye- eyes. 

 

Clyde: EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM CAN SEE IT! EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU-OU!!!

 

“O- o- o- ok, I’ve had enough.” Jimmy says with a faint smile. 

 

“Me too.”

 

“Yup.’

 

“GUYS!”

 

“No, we’re listening to silence.” 

 

“Fine!” 

 

“Anyways, where are we going?” 

 

“On an adventure!”

 

“Clyde shut up. Token, Jimmy, anyone wants to answer me?”

 

“Uhh, what Clyde said.”

 

“Y- y- yeah Craig, on an adv- v- v- venture.”

 

“Fuck you guys.” 

 

So it turns out, that this adventure we’re going on ended up just being Clyde yelling at Token to stop near a 7-Eleven to get Slurpees every five minutes until Token actually did stop. Ugh, I hate sweet food. But eventually, we get to a nearby forest for whatever reason. 

 

“We’re gonna prance around the forest like woodland creatures!” Clyde yells. 

 

“No. No prancing. And don’t you remember the last time someone *Cough* Marsh* messed with woodland creatures?”

 

“Ohh. We’re just gonna wander around then and hope we don’t get lost!”

 

“Token this is a terrible idea.”

 

“No it isn’t! Clyde can get off his ass and we can just screw around here or whatever without anyone bothering us.” 

 

“Y- y- yeah Craig, where’s your sp- sp- sp- spirit of adventure?”

 

“I have no spirit.” Jimmy shakes his head and proceeds to lead the way.

 

“You have a cat, that’s your spirit.”

 

“Damn you guys.” I’ll probably end up having fun, but I’ll just bitch a lot. 

 

…

 

… 

 

Ok, I’m having fun. Clyde almost fell into a river and we all had to pull him up though, but besides that it was great. Clyde also climbed a tree and almost died though, so yeah, everything’s pretty normal. After a while though he got tired so now we’re just sitting on some tree stumps. 

 

“So,” Clyde says, “have you guys met the new kid yet?”

 

“The r- r- r- really unstable one?”

 

“Yeah, the one with blonde hair that literally looks like he shocked himself with electricity or something?” Wait what? I didn’t realize there was a new kid at school. Park High is really small, it combines North and South Park schools into one big hot mess. Even then there aren’t that many kids there. 

 

“Wait, since when did we get a new kid?” Token unlocks his phone and taps on his calendar app, 

 

“The day after you got Stripe.” What the fuck? Damn, I really don’t pay attention. 

 

“What does he look like?” Clyde opens up his phone and shows me a picture of him.

 

… 

 

… 

 

… 

 

He’s fucking cute. 

 

“Craig~!” Clyde yells, “YOU’RE BLUSHING!”

 

“Stop disrupting nature Clyde, and no, I’m not blushing, it’s just fucking hot here.” 

 

“Y- y- y- you’re blushing.” Token smirks and chuckles to himself. Fuck, Token never smirks or chuckles.

 

“Everyone else in the room can see it…” 

 

“E- e- everyone else but you!”

 

“BABY HE LIGHTS UP HIS WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE!”

 

“The way that he spikes his hair gets him overwhelmed!”

 

“B- b- b- but when he screams at nothing it ain’t hard to tell,”

 

Token, Clyde, and Jimmy: WE ALL KNOW, OH OH! WE ALL KNOW YOU LIKE HIS ASS!

 

“FUCK YOU GUYS! GODDAMNIT!” FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK This can’t be happening! I hate people! Why is he SO CUTE though! AHH!!!

 

“Craig!” Clyde yells, “We have to set you guys up! This is so exciting! I’m getting emotional!”

 

“I- I- I’m happy you have hormones Craig.” 

 

“Craig, just sit back and let your wingmen do everything for you!” 

 

“No! Ahh!” Clyde falls off his stump in laughter and Token and Jimmy proceeds to follow suit. 

 

“Dude chill out, it isn’t like Tweek’s some secret agent or something!” 

 

“O- o- or some weird whore with a fetish!” 

 

“Yeah!” Token catches his breath and sits up, “What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like he has the strength to murder you!” 

 

Fuck. This is really happening. 

 

Hmm… Tweek… Wait, what’s his last name? 

 

And weren’t we supposed to get cat supplies?

 

Damnit, I still have to deal with Tricia. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate it? Like it? Review it!


	4. The Butters Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tweek assists someone in need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! UmbrielBrechen here with the next chapter of The Tweek Tucker Project! Thanks and have a great life!

Here’s the thing about anal sex: some people like it, some people don’t. Some people are verse, some are tops, some are bottoms, some just like to eat ass. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. 

 

Currently, I’m bent over against a desk at school getting royally fucked by a teacher. Yeah… the thoughts I have when I’m having sex. (A/N: Use protection hoe bags). 

 

Why am I getting fucked? Well… 

 

_ Flashback _

 

_ “Hey! You can’t be in here!” _

 

_ “Yeah… That’s true, I can’t be in here.” _

 

_ “Yeah, so get out, you should be in class!” _

 

_ “I should be in class… But you shouldn’t be cheating on your wife with prostitutes…”  _

 

Long story short in exchange for freedom I had butt sex.

 

I’m not complaining though.

 

But what I was doing in the teacher’s lounge? Good question. I was looking for information.

 

Apparently there’s a state ran science research lab here in South Park. Looks like that’s my next stop, this lab specializes in South Park’s anomalies. But it’s the end of the day, so let’s head back to my personal headquarters. 

 

I met some people today at school. Ugh, I sound like I’m confessing to my parents or something. This Craig guy that’s six feet tall and creepy as hell kept on staring. His possy kept on encouraging him to do something, but I’m not sure. I ran into Wendy for the first time… She’s kind of annoying. Her friends are weird though.

 

Rebecca “Red” is some weird psychopath or something.

 

Nichole’s obsessed with gay porn.

 

Bebe’s personality could be  _ interpreted _ as too carefree and promiscuous. 

 

Heidi’s there, she sort of seems hell bent on destroying Cartman for some reason.

 

Speaking of Cartman, I ran into Stan’s gang also. This school is way too small.

 

Stan kept on attempting to find out the algorithm to getting back with Wendy.

 

Cartman kept on terrorizing the peasants.

 

Kenny was literally flirting with me, I’m not kidding, he was fucking flirting with me, he was flirting with Kyle, Butters, me, Stan at one point, and then I saw him flirting with Craig, and then he saw me again and flirted with me, only to flirt with Stan and Craig at the same time, only for Craig to screech something and scared Kenny off and almost get in a fight with Stan. 

 

Why is there so much drama with these people? 

 

Oh yeah, and then there was Kyle and Butters. Each time I see them they look so miserable. Each time I pass by Stan’s table, Kyle’s always resting his head against his hand while his whole upper body is leaning against the table. His eyes are saying “kill me now”, but all anyone ever hears is “mhmm” and “yup.” And Butters. Poor fucking Butters. 

 

Speaking of Butters, I see him sitting on the sidewalk with his head in between his knees. Fuck, I need get past him but I don’t want to just leave him there. We’ve only had one conversation, but I could tell that there is something up with him. I also dug up his file once or twice… 

But apparently South Park worships gay guys for some reason. His parents found out he was gay one day, and they basically forced him to be a poster kid for some weird brand of canned food. After that they tried to send him to a conversion camp, but that didn’t do anything. And now his dad basically just tells him to kill himself all the time. Fuck… Just walk past him just walk past him just walk past him-

 

“Butters?” Damnit. He looks up at me with a drooping frown plastered on his face, but he brightens up when he sees me. 

 

“Tweek? Hey there, how’s it going!” He says brightly. 

 

“U- uh, I’m fine, but are you ok?” Butters smiles weakly and pulls himself off the ground. I grab his backpack and hand it to him, and he gives me a thumbs up as a thanks. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, just feeling a bit down, that’s it.” He’s been crying. His eyes are red and swollen. There’s a bruise on his face. There’s dirt smeared all over his clothes, and there’s a hole in his backpack. There’s dried blood on his nose. I shake my head. 

 

“No you’re not.” Butters breaks down and hides his face with his hands to mask his tears. 

 

“M- m- my dad just g- g- grounded me that’s all!” He’s sixteen. He has great grades. He’s smart as hell, why is his dad an asshole? 

 

“Butters I don’t know you that well but I’m gonna be blunt with you right now.” Butters nods his head and attempts to silence his sobs, “You have a lot of issues. You don’t have anyone to talk to,” DON’TDOITMEDON’TDOIT- “do you need someone to talk to?” NO FUCK MY LIFE! “I won’t say anything, you can just vent to me if you want to. No offense, but you don’t exactly hang around a good crowd. I know we aren’t friends but-”

 

“N- n- no!” Butters laughs, “Tweek, you don’t get it. Your offer is honestly the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. But I don’t wanna waste your time-”

 

“It’s not wasting my time if I offered it.” Fuck my life, when I said I wouldn’t care about the drama I put myself in the goddamn fire and go out of character. “I know a great cafe around here, are you a coffee person?” Butters shakes his head, and he motions me to lead the way. I guess I’m not having alone time then. 

 

The great thing about my self employed job is that I can easily track the best places to chill out in without scrolling through yelp. I lead Butters to a cafe in an extremely gentrified plaza to a hipster cafe. I get him a hot chocolate since he doesn’t like coffee, and he goes in the bathroom to clean up himself. We sit on a high stool table near a window. His backpack is there, waiting to be snooped around.

 

Sorry Butters.

 

Notebooks with bright colors, wallet with school ID, Driver’s license, twenty dollars, food service card, he works at a bakery. Debit card, Ten dollar gift card to Taco Bell, that’s it, nothing important. I don’t know what I expected. Luckily, no one saw me doing anything, so I sit everything back to where it was and I wait for Butters to clean up. 

 

He comes out with a clean shirt and fresh bandages on his face. Butters walks to the table and sits across from me. He sips his hot chocolate in silence, looking down on himself with each sip he takes. I only stare at him in anticipation for him to break the silence. 

 

“How do you like the hot chocolate?” I ask with a smile. He snaps back into reality from his thoughts and smiles at me. 

 

“It’s great! I didn’t even know this place was here. Wait, how did you know this place was here if you just moved last week?”

 

“Yelp.”

 

“Oh! Duh. How do you like your coffee?”

 

“I love caffeine.”

 

“Oh. So are you a coffee person or tea person?”

 

“Coffee in general, but if I need something more medicinal like for a headache then I drink tea.”

 

“Oh, I’m more of a hot chocolate person, milk chocolate specifically.”

 

“Really? Hot chocolate’s too sweet for me.”

 

“I like sweet things! I wish there were stores that specializes in hot chocolate instead of coffee though.”

 

“I think the demand for hot chocolate’s too low unfortunately.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“Unless we blackmail the cafes into selling only hot chocolate.” Butters stares at me in surprise with wide eyes. Fuck! I slipped up! But Butter’s mouth curls upwards, and he laughs. It’s a genuine laugh, the kind that you hear after riding an extremely thrilling roller coaster, like you’re happy you went on even though you thought you were gonna die. 

 

“Haha! You’re really funny Tweek! I didn’t know that about you. All everyone ever talks about is how crazy and insane you are but you’re a really nice guy!” Well at least I did something right this mission.

 

“Heh, yeah, I was just really anxious.”

 

“It’s ok, I would be anxious all the time if I were you. Entering a new school in the middle of the year, that must suck!”

 

“The only bad thing was the transition to be honest. Even though the school is fucked up it’s alright.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been in South park my whole life.”

 

“You have?”

 

“Yup.” Butters frowns again, but sips his hot chocolate to wipe it off. “It’s alright. I mean, I didn’t exactly have any friends growing up though.”

 

“Not even Stan’s gang?”

 

“Haha, not really. Stan and Eric make fun of me all the time and use me. Kyle’s ok, I’ve had more nice conversations with him than Stan and Eric.”

 

“What about Kenny?” Butters’s smile at the sound of Kenny’s name brightens his face up, and he straightens his back and actually looks me in the eyes. 

 

“Kenny’s real nice! He may be silent a whole lot often but he generally does care about me and a lot of people!” I lean in forward and put down my coffee.

 

“Kenny sounds like a really nice person.” Butters smiles with a nod and proceeds to speak about Kenny.

 

“Ken’s great! He cares a lot about everyone, especially his sister, Karen. Ken’s really poor though, but he’s a hard worker. He also makes really great pasta and knows a lot about fixing up cars and he’s great to talk to when your down in the dumps!” Wow, Kenny sounds like a really great person. 

 

“But how come everyone looks like they want to kill him every time he opens his mouth?” Butters smiles turns awkward, and he puts his hot chocolate down. 

 

“Well… Ken has a habit of flirting with well… Everyone. It isn’t genuine though, everyone knows that. It just makes everyone uncomfortable.”

 

“Why does he do it then?”

 

“He’s afraid everyone would leave him. He’s a really… I don’t want talk about him.” Butters sighs deeply and finishes up his hot chocolate. “Nevermind, sorry Tweek.”

 

“No, it’s ok.” I give him a smile of reassurance and buy us another round of drinks. He looks uncomfortable talking about Kenny, I should change the topic. 

 

“So tell me about yourself, what do you like to do?”

 

“Well, I enjoy cooking and baking a lot. I work at a bakery, I think I might want to go to culinary school after I get my bachelor’s degree.”

 

“That sounds great!” Butters’s smile is back on. Good. But his face turns suspicious, like he’s gonna question me or something. 

 

“Say Tweek… I don’t want to be rude or anything, but you seem…different.” Damnit. “Like you don’t seem like the same person from your first day.”

 

“Oh, I just act like that to weed people out.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“I just act crazy and insane to weed out people I don’t want to be friends with.” 

 

“Wow Tweek! That’s a great strategy! I wish I thought of that sooner…” Butters gulps down the last bit of his hot chocolate, and he looks disappointed that it’s all gone. I offer to buy more, but he declines, and buys the next round of drinks for us. Damn, his life sucks ass. I feel sorry for him, but I think Butters is the type of person to want someone's’ pity. It seems like the only person that Butters really cares about is Kenny, and everyone else is just there. 

 

“Hey Butters,” I begin, carefully choosing my words, “if everyone around you is an ass, then why do you hang around them still?” 

 

“Oh, I’ve thought of that all the time. I guess I just like being around Ken. Everyone else can suck my-” Butters stops himself, but I look at him in a questioning way to get him to slip it out, “dick. They can all suck my dick.”

 

“There you go.”

 

“Haha, yeah! They can all suck my dick!” Butters looks proud of himself, I think he’s been put down long enough. “I don’t need them!”

 

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to hang around assholes like that.”

 

“Yeah, and I won’t anymore! I’m tired of being pushed around. But what about Ken?” 

 

“Butters,” ok here we go, “do you like Kenny? As in like-like?” Butters’s face turns red, and he giggles to himself. 

 

“Yeah… I do.”

 

“But you know he’s gonna stay with everyone else, right?” Butters nods, and he smiles to himself,

 

“Yeah, that’s true. But I don’t want to remove him from them… I think that Ken doesn’t even like me if he keeps on flirting with everyone else.”

 

“And if anything you can hang around Kenny after school.” 

 

“That’s true! Alright, that settles it, I’m not hanging around those jerks anymore! But who would I hang around with…” DON’TDOITTWEEKAGHHHH-

 

“You can hang around with me!” Why do I do this to myself? Butters smiles brightly and gasps in surprise,

 

“R- really? No one ever asks me to hang around them!”

 

“You’re a really cool person Butters.”

 

“Aww, thanks Tweek you’re a really cool-” Butters stops himself from saying the “f” word, but… 

 

“You’re a really great friend to Butters! We can just hang around this cafe also. We can do our work together, talk about whatever, do whatever…” 

 

“Yeah! That sounds like a great idea! Thank Tweek… I really mean it.” I guess I made friends now? This wasn’t part of the plan, but oh well. 

 

I’ll just not mention anything about my plans to him, but I’ll keep it real.

 

I hope I’m not causing more drama with anyone else. I’m just removing Butters from a bad environment, what could possibly go wrong? 

 

It isn’t like Kenny’s gonna take this the wrong way with Butters, we’re just friends, and it isn't like Kenny's in love with Butters if he keeps on flirting with everything with genitals. 


	5. The Encounter Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While at the lab, Craig meets a particular twitchy blonde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feh~

I love the smell of the lab. It kind of smells like death, but a good death? What I mean is that things are being researched on for the good of  _ science.  _ I love science, and science loves me. A lot of things don’t love me, but that’s ok, I fucked up a lot. I was hoping to do some research here about Stripe since the wifi here is so good. I was gonna bring him, but… 

 

_ Flashback _

 

_ “Craig!” Mom yells, opening my door without knocking.  _

 

_ “Fuck mom I’m still changing!” I yell, shielding my dick with my towel. _

 

_ “Where’s Stripe?” _

 

_ “Stripe’s with dad.” _

 

_ “It’s my turn to play with him.” _

 

_ “Then go ask dad where he is.” _

 

_ “Craig!” Dad yells, peeking in my room. “Where’s Stripe? I didn’t have my turn to play with him yet.”  _

 

_ “It was your turn to play with him thirty minutes ago dad. Ask Tricia.”  _

 

_ “Goddamnit.” Dad and mom walk across the hall to Tricia’s room, where I hear an argument over who’s turn it is to play with Stripe. _

 

_ End Flashback _

 

Long story short, everyone’s playing with Stripe at home, and I had to drive my ass over to the lab. 

 

I fucking hate driving, don’t ever let me drive by myself. 

 

I check in with the front desk, who somehow is the same front desk lady at the animal shelter. I walk past her, ignoring the strong scent of dog feces and weed. I used to love weed, until Token made me stop. 

 

Honestly fuck Token sometimes. 

 

The scientists are too busy to acknowledge my presence. My job here was actually supposed to be a three month long internship, but they got too disorganized and ended up just hiring me. Since everyone’s hogging the majority of the stations here, I basically claimed the lab in the far back all to myself. It just so happens to be the place where they put extra storage and radioactive material. Yay for me. 

 

I normally study stars and space shit like that. I go through data from NASA and correct all the things they’ve fucked up on, which is a lot. Black holes are basic, comets are boring, basically all the shit that’s already done, but still needs to be studied because we’ve only scratched the surface. 

 

To be honest, I like theories, conspiracy theories, shit like that. I started liking science in third grade, and the only reason why I wanted to study it to begin with was so I can learn to make things explode with common household items. Then I remembered that the internet existed, but I was still on the track of science, so I stuck to it. I’m only really good at Math and Science though. I have little to no creative spirit unfortunately, so English is out of the question. I don’t even trust history because all of our textbooks at school are probably written by crazy conspiracy theorists that still believe that Christopher Columbus is a great person. I know, screw me because I’m actually good at math, unlike almost everyone else in America where the education system is shit. Maybe I should do that with my life, fix it. 

 

Maybe I should fix everything. 

 

But before that, I’ll fix myself. I don’t know where to begin though, feelings honestly scare me.  

 

But going back to the conspiracy theories shit, there is actually evidence of something changing, particularly in South Park, but all it took was some simple observations from looking outside the window, and notice things people dismiss. 

 

First off, a frozen lake should be completely frozen. There shouldn’t be random spots in Stark’s Pond that are completely liquid, everyone knows that. 

 

And ponds to begin with shouldn’t have random traces of Actinium in it. Though this is South Park, so everyone just dismissed it. So I took a sample of the water and analyzed as thoroughly as possible, and found even more traces of other radioactive waste in the pond. Like I said, I know that this is South Park, but come on, something has to be going on here. 

 

Migration habits from birds have also shifted. I’m not specialized in this field, but during this time of year, there should be more birds going away from South Park, but there seems to be a lot more than usual, about seventy five percent more birds are here this time of year than usual. 

 

I fucking love science. 

 

I love Stripe. Mmm, I want to cuddle with Stripe…

 

Wait a minute no one in the lab has blonde spiky hair. 

 

I stop daydreaming in my lab, and eye Tweek from this room. What the fuck? I don’t think that we’re hiring any more internships, Heidi got the last position, and she starts in a week. Tweek isn’t transferring here either, and as far as I know, he’s failing all of his classes, he can’t be smart enough to handle this work.

 

Wait a minute what if he does? What if he’s just faking it? What if he’s actually really great at science?

 

Then we can be science boyfriends.

 

Holy shit. Science boyfriends. 

 

_ Tweek: Craig? Can you help me get the box on the top shelf? I need petri dishes to analyze the bacteria from this meteorite.  _

 

_ Craig: Sure thing Tweek. Did I ever tell you that you look so cute in a lab coat? _

 

_ Tweek: C- Craig! You’re making me blush! _

 

_ Craig: I love you Tweekers~ _

 

Fuck yeah… 

 

Wait a minute get out of my head Craig, fucking god. 

 

Maybe I should follow Tweek and see what he’s doing. I’m not stalking him, I’m just curious to see what he’s doing and I also just so happen to want to know everything about him. I am not stalking him. 

 

I walk into the room next to mine. There’s a window that connects this room and the room Tweek’s in, I can just stare at him from here. It looks like Tweek’s going through cabinets and drawers, I think he’s looking for something. But what though? The only shit in that room are old records we keep of temperature changes throughout the years in South Park. He’s not gonna find anything in there, we don’t use computers that much here because everyone doesn’t know how to function technology. But I keep a record of everything in my Google Drive… Maybe I can just share the document with him. And then I can just say hi. Yeah… Ok, I’m saying hi to Tweek!

 

Ok no, I’m not. Maybe I should?

 

But I shouldn’t, what if he finds out that I’m stalking him which I’m not stalking, I’m people watching. What if he thinks I’m more creepy than I really am? 

 

I mean, I am creepy, I’ll admit. I am also pretty strong and I can kick anyone’s ass as I did to Marsh a couple of weeks ago. I’m pretty smart too, I work at a fucking lab. Damn, I sound pretty perfect. Yeah, I can do this, all I have to be is be confident and not scare him.

 

Or I can just stare at him from here. That sounds pretty good also. 

 

Oh fuck he sees me staring at him. 

 

He’s sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute. 

 

Wait a minute he’s walking this way. What do I say? What do I do? Fuck how do I act natural? Should I just walk into another room? Oh fuck he’s already here. 

 

“Uhh…” Tweek says, fidgeting with his lab coat, “D- do you need anything? You’re just staring at me…”

 

“You’re Tweek.”

 

“Ahh! HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME I’VENEVERMETYOU!!!” Oh fuck he’s freaking out! CalmhimdownCalmhimdownCalmhimdownCalmhimdown!!!

 

“Uhh I see you at school all the time.”

 

“WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME!?”

 

“Woah wait, I’m not stalking you!”

 

“YES YOU ARE I SEE YOU ALL THE TIME YOU’RE JUST STARING AT ME WITH YOUR FRIENDS! THE BLACK GUY, THE CHUBBY ONE AND THE HANDICAPPED GUY!!!” FUCKFUCKFUCK WHAT DO IT DO!?

 

“I- I UHH-”

 

“AHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”

 

“Wait just calm down for a minute-”

 

“Ahh!!!”

 

“Shh Tweek just calm down so we can talk about it-”

 

“Ahh! WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME!? WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ANY OF MY QUESTIONS!?” Each step I take towards Tweek just causes him to shake even more and take two steps back. Each time all of my Stripes get anxious or scared I just pet them. Hmm… 

 

“Shh…” I place my hand on Tweek’s head, and brush his thick hair backwards. “Just calm down.” It’s so fluffy… 

 

“W- what?” Tweek stops shaking, and looks up at me. He’s so short and cute… “I… I don’t even know what’s happening anymore!” Wow… His hair is soooooooooo soft. “W- why do you have that expression on?” Ahh… “Dude you’re really freaking me out…” FUCK SNAP OUT CRAIG. I pull my hand out of his hair, and stare into Tweek’s eyes. Their so green and big… 

 

“Uh- I- I was just trying to uh- calm you down. Yeah.”

 

“But why were you petting me like I was a small animal or something?”

 

“I- I have multiple small animals.”

 

“You horde hamsters or something?”

 

“Yes- I mean no, they’re guinea pigs by the way.”

 

“So you do horde animals?”

 

“N- no, I have a cat.”

 

“So you feed the guinea pigs to the cat?”

 

“NO!”

 

“AHH!!!”

 

“AHH FUCK SORRY!”

 

“Ahh! Y- you’re really scary!” Damn, mission fucking failed. 

 

“I’M NOT FUCKING SCARY.”

 

“AHH!!!”

 

“FUCK I UH- LOOK WHAT DO YOU NEED?”

 

“Stop scaring me!” Ahh he’s sooooooooo cute. 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Just tell me where I can find the reports for geological data in South Park and then I’ll stop screaming!”

 

“Oh wait is that what you’re looking for? You’re in the wrong department dude, this area studies space. But I do have the files for them…”

 

“Can you send them to me? I need the data for my research.”

 

“Sure.” Fuck wait a minute, I don’t have the data for the research because the person that was supposed to finish the reports got distracted and the head of the geology department is-

 

FUCK. God. Fucking. Damnit.  _ Marsh.  _ Specifically his fucking dad, but Stan (Ew I hate saying his name) works here sometimes, he’s a geology person also. 

 

I hate Geology. He hates Astronomy.  

 

Don’t make connections.

 

“I can get the data for you.”

 

“Thanks Craig!” Woah, where did bright and happy come from? “I  _ really  _ appreciate it! If there’s  _ anything  _ I can do for you, just ask. Just send it to me and any other data. Actually… Do you have manuscripts of all the data collected at this lab?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Can you share it with me?”

 

“Sure I can do that. I can do anything for you- I mean I can do that, yeah, I can do that specific action.”

 

“Thanks Craig!” Tweek scampers off into another room, leaving me all alone.

 

His ass jiggled a lot when he ran.

 

Well, I have a boner now. 

 

Wait a minute, what did I just agree to do? 

 

And I still have to talk to Mr. Marsh. Wait he’s on vacation. That means that the only one that has access to the info is-

 

Fuck. 

 

But I have to do it. If the guys were here they would say to do it. 

 

Ok. I’ll do it. And NOT beat him up. 

 

Wait a minute… I just agreed to giving all the information in this laboratory to some random stranger…

 

But he’s sooooooooooooo cute. 

 

Oh fucking well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate it? Like it? Review it!


	6. Chapter whom?

So long story short I met Craig. It’s obvious he has a fucking crush on me. Ugh, I said I didn’t want to get into the fucking drama, but I already made a friend and the creepiest guy in the world has a crush on me. At least he’s useful, I have access to all the files in the laboratory now because of him. Also, at least he’s fuckin’ hot, I bet you he has a huge dick also! Actually, I can just find out right now.

I unlock my phone and open an app. I may not be tech savy, but I know a few people that I’ve had sex with in the past do me a couple of favors. My phone can hack into other people’s phones without being detected, I know, science and technology huh? All I have to do is go to this app, type in a few codes, and BOOM! I have access to Craig Tucker’s stuff.

Let’s see… Guinea Pig… Guinea Pig… Cat shit… Cat shit… Space shit… Space shit… More Cat shit, guinea pig shit, and space shit. Holy fuck this guy is one dimensional as hell! He’s built as fuck, he’s sexy with a really great jawline and you tell me he doesn’t have a dick pic on his phone!? Not one!? Ahh! 

Wait, let’s go through his browsing history. 

Space shit. 

Cat shit.

Guinea Pig shit.

AHH!!! 

So life, you’re telling me, that Craig Tucker has never sent a dick pic to someone? Not some cheerleader or desperate guy? Really? I don’t fucking believe it. Then again, everyone is scared of him. 

Ok how about incognito window browsing history… 

Aha! I found his porn tabs! Let’s see… 

“Jock fucks twink”.

“Twink fucked hard”.

“Blowjob cum in mouth”.

“Twink gangbang”.

Oh wait there’s more.

“Submissive muscle”.

“Dominant Twink.”

“Punishment”.

Wait what? Well, I guess this is good. I now know that Craig Tucker likes Twinks, or is attracted to them sexually. I can be classified as a twink I guess. I’d say that I’m winning at life right now. Craig also likes the sight of Twinks eating cum. I like eating cum. 

I’m a fucking winner. 

Wait let’s look through his shit more. Here’s an app for constellations. Cat shit. Guinea Pig shit. Space shit. Holy shit! Craig’s fucking boring. Oh wait, here’s a workout app. That’s the only thing in here that isn’t related to cats, guinea pigs, or space. Let’s look through his messages… 

Here’s a groupchat between Clyde, Token, Jimmy, and Craig, 

Craig: GUYS

Clyde: What?

Craig: I SPOKE TO TWEEK

Clyde: FUCKYEAHDUDE!

Token: I’m proud of you Craig.

Craig: thanks mom

Jimmy: When are you fucking him?

Craig: what?

Jimmy: When are you fucking him?

Clyde: Yeah Craig, when r u sealing the seal?

Clyde: Seal

Clyde: Seal

Clyde: Seal

Clyde: Deal. Fucking finally 

Token: Guys chill out

Craig: Thanks mom. I havent even thought about fucking him.

Clyde: LIAR!!!

Jimmy: LIAR!!

Token: LIAR!

Craig: fuck you guys. Why is it hard to believe that i just want cuddles

Clyde: Because you have pent up sexual energy that’s been growing for the past four years. 

Craig: Shut up Clyde youre still a virgin

Clyde: I AM NOT A VIRGIN!!!

Token: Clyde calm down

Clyde: you guys suck

Jimmy: I’m not a virgin

Clyde: You don’t have to rub it in my face JIMMY!!!

Ok I’ve had enough for one day. Oh look I have a message from Butters!

Butters: Hey Tweek!

Tweek: Hey Leo!

Butters: I’m @ the cafe. Wanna meet up?

Tweek: Sure, I’ll be down soon. 

Eh, I have time to kill. I already have the data I want, all I have to do is analyze them and look for specific areas in South Park that has drastic differences in temperature. What I mean by that is this:   
The anomalies that I’m trying to study only occurs in areas of one hundred to one hundred and ten degrees. It can hit in the negative zones in South Park, so there’s gonna be some obvious changes here. I just have to find it, then I can investigate the surrounding area! Why are there anomalies you ask?

Fuck you, I’m not telling you. 

It’s been a week since Butters and I started hanging out. I’ve learned that Butters is always being stepped on… A lot. I hope I’m helping him, he’s a really great friend.   
Oh yeah. I actually had a conversation with Kenny today. So I was grabbing some crap from my locker, and well… 

I slam my locker with a bang, and from behind it stood Kenny “The Whore” McCormick, leaning against the large metal containers. 

“Hello Tweek.” 

“Ahh!” Kenny winks at me with a smirk on his face, and brings his face closer to mine to inspect me. He’s hot. Not my type, but he’s hot. Kenny pokes the tip of my nose with his tongue hanging out in hunger, 

“You know, I’m not surprised that Buttercup hangs out with you now. You’re a really interesting person…” 

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. He said a couple things about you, some things that I agree with.” 

“And?”

“He said that you said that he shouldn’t hang around the guys anymore, for very obvious reasons.”

“Well everyone really shouldn’t be near people like that.”

“I agree with you. That of course, just means I get to spend less time with Buttercup.” Kenny draws circles around my chest, and corners me against my locker. His eyes are really fucking pretty… 

“You know Tweek… You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with Buttercup…” 

“And? Can you get to the point?”

“Why? Am I making you uncomfortable?” 

“Not particularly…” 

“You seem different. I’d expect you to freak out and try to escape by now.”

“You want me to stop hanging around Butters, or you want to get in a threesome. The thing is Kenny, you can flirt with as much people as you want. Just know that you’re leaving a bad impression with Leopold.”

“What? Did you just-”

“Yeah, I called him by his real name. We’re on a real name basis now. And no, we aren’t dating. We’re just friends.”

“Dude, fuck you, I’ll screw anyone I want AND I’ll still get Buttercup.”

“Have you communicated this to Butters? Like at all?”

“I’m sure he’ll get it, I’ll make him get it. Wait, I don’t mean that I’m gonna sexually assault him or anything, and I’m not gonna-”

“I get it, just back the fuck off dude.”

Long story short, Kenny both implied that he’s really jealous and really horny for a threesome, which in all honesty, I really wouldn’t mind a threesome… If Butters wasn’t already my friend. You know what though, I’ve never been in a threesome. Hey, don’t call me a liar. I’ve been gangbanged and in an orgy where I killed everyone I had sex with. Don’t ask how, I just did. 

Butters sits at our usual spot with his laptop out when I arrive at the cafe. I order a twenty ounce cup of a surprise coffee, and sit down across from him.

“Hey Tweek!” Butters says with enthusiasm over his hot chocolate. “How’s your day been? Also I didn’t get to talk to you yesterday, sorry about that, finals are coming up soon!” Well yesterday I met Craig and finished gathering data for the mission. So…

“Hey Butters! I had a really productive day yesterday, thanks for asking!” 

“That’s great! I’m sorry I can’t talk that much, I just wanted to be around you!” He’s fucking adorable. I wouldn’t say that to Kenny’s face though, he might actually want to kill me, or kill me after the threesome. Hmm, Butters is too preoccupied to notice what I’m doing, the cafe is empty except for the baristas… I’ll do my “work” also. I take my laptop out and place it on the table. It’s disguised as a MacBook, but it’s actually a supercomputer made in Russia from Japanese and British scientists. How did Russia allow Japan and Great Britain to send Government level scientists to their labs? Simple. I had sex with some people and I killed some people. 

And how did I have access to planes to get me from place to place? You already know the answer. 

Actually I don’t feel like doing work right now. I want to stalk everyone. 

Fuck but I need to be productive. AHH!!!

Eh, I’ll do it later. I want to stalk everyone. 

I think it’s funny how I know everyone at school, but they don’t know shit about me. Well, the real me. Like how yesterday when I met Craig, it was all just an over exaggeration on my fake personality. I think? But Craig really does intimidate me. He’s fucking scary as hell! He’s a sexy, scary, monster that’s really socially awkward with anger management issues.   
I really want to meet his cat though, even though I’m not even friends with him. 

“I hope your being productive Tweek!” Butters giggles. He gives me a look saying. “Do your shit”. How does he know I’m not being productive? Damnit. I give Butters a look of innocence, a slight smile with my head tilted down. 

“I am being productive.” 

“Hey, I know that look. You can’t lie to me, Tweek!” Damn. 

“Fine, I’ll be productive.” Productive in stalking people. 

Let’s see… I’ll just hack everyone’s phones. 

Bebe has tabs of beauty shit. 

Nichole has gay porn tabs. Her and Craig would get along. 

Red has a tab that says “How to pick a lock with a bobby pin.”

Heidi has no tabs up for some reason. Wait, incognito tabs has Korean Dramas. 

Wendy has no tabs up, incognito and non-incognito. But she does have messages with someone named “Coon”. I’m too lazy to look through that. 

Stan has a tab that says “How to get back with your ex-girlfriend”.

Kyle has a tab that says “How to get over your straight friend”.

Kenny has a tab that says “Perfect date ideas in the middle of nowhere”.

Cartman just has a crap ton of cat videos.

“Tweek I know you’re not being productive!”

“Butters I’m trying to be productive!”

“If I catch you not doing anything, you’ll be in trouble!”

“OK fine.”

Ok, only four more people. 

We all know what Craig has on his phone. 

Token has a tab that says… Wow. He has porn tabs for Daddy kinks. Damn.

Clyde has tabs that are of really expensive shoes.

Jimmy has no tabs up. But he has messages with someone named “Nancy”. 

That was fucking boring. I barely even talk to these people, they come up and talk to me! 

“Tweek!”

“Ok, ok, fine! Take my phone away!” Butters snatches my phone, but not before I turn it off. Ok, I guess I’ll work on the mission. 

I need to go over all the data I’ve collected during this whole mission, which spans for about two years and multiple countries. 

I’ll start off with my time in New York. I found out about the case directly after I finished my last one, which wasn’t big at all. Even though I didn’t find out any information there, New York was where I busted the drug and human trafficking rings. But, this is where I found out about my primary objective; preventing spacial and primordial anomalies from entering 2018. Spatial anomalies include aliens, metor showers, Jupiter crashing into Earth, etc. Primordial anomalies include Dinosaurs coming back to life, and whatever killed them coming back to kill every living thing on Earth. 

“Hey Tweek can you help me with this problem?” Butters says. I get off my seat and look at Butters’s laptop, “Sorry, I meant everything.”

“Give me my phone back and I’ll help you.”

“Oh alright. But you better be productive!”

Like hell I’ll be productive. I’m such a good “secret agent”.


End file.
